Sunday, January 17, 2010

Satan Responds to Evangelist Pat Robertson

This was posted today in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune’s “Opinion Exchange” column. I’m glad the Devil felt the need to speak out on this topic and set the record straight. Read on to see what he had to say:

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

LILY COYLE, MINNEAPOLIS

Obviously this letter isn’t really from Satan, unless he’s a she and goes by the name “Lily,” but kudos to Miss Coyle for writing something that, well, to be perfectly honest I should have written! I hope to God Robertson reads this letter and responds with one of his own. What this topic needs is an honest-to-godliness hell-flame war.

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