Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Domestic Disturbance Incident Report

Rubens_-_Adam_et_EveLocation: Mesopotamia, at the intersection of Tigris and Euphrates Ave. 5,008 BC

Incident: At approximately 1,500 hours, my partner and I received a call about a DMV on the 12,000 block of Tigris where a woman had apparently just assaulted her husband. We approached the residence, a leaf- and vine-strewn grotto, to find a naked white female, approx. 22-25 years of age, about 5’ 8” with very long red-brown hair, hurling fruit at a bearded white male, approx. 25-28 years old, roughly 6’, with brown hair.

My partner and I stepped down from our emus and approached. My partner tried hailing them, but evidently the couple didn’t understand Bonobo. I asked them in Human to refrain from their disturbance, that we’d received calls from their neighbors (a family of leopards and some newlywed elephants). The female had to be restrained by my partner while I asked the male to explain what had happened.

Male, named Adam, accused female subject, named Eve, of "sinful infidelity," murmuring something about “Forbidden Knowledge” of a long serpent of unknown origin, thought maybe to be an anaconda or some other python-type judging from male’s description of coloration and large size. Female maintained that the male was “a filthy liar,” and that he “has no idea what he’s talking about because he’s not enlightened!” Female then asked if we could find something to cover her nakedness, which we all thought was an odd request.

Female became more agitated--even after my partner found some large fig leaves to obscure what she referred to as her “privates”--when we couldn’t find her apple, which she had thrown at her male partner in the earlier scuffle. I radioed HQ to advise. Chief Jehovah referred to the repeat offenders by citing a long list of disturbances, such as the male’s claim to be “Master of all Creatures Large and Small,” and often verbally assaulting his neighbors by referring to them as “dumb beasts” and “subjects to his every whim.” Chief then ordered my partner and me to extricate the "incorrigibly corrupt" couple from their residence and escort them to the outskirts of Fertile Crescent City.

Evidently, all is not bliss in the Garden of Paradise these days.

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